The Geek in the Pink

I must say, it amazes me how superficial relationships are, be they friendly or familial; platonic or romantic. Here I have sat, having an absolutely horrendous week and no one can be bothered to give a damn, even enough to just cheer me up. Its amazing, especially because those same people are the ones who will plead for attention.

"Comment my pics!"

"I feel fat. Make me feel better?"

"Leave me comments and tell me you love me :D"

"No on comments? I'm sad."

And on and on. Mind Boggling. I gave up on responding to those posts, because god forbid YOU should feel any pain- but I'm quickly realizing that people are never who you think they are, and no good deed goes unpunished. All the things I read about in fiction are starting to apply to me.

I feel like I'm on the brink of falling into an ugly pattern, because I just can't see what's the point? I could live in a dark little bubble and shut myself off from the world, never respond to anyone's messages or calls, only care about myself and Mark- because he's the only constant in my life...but that's super unhealthy, and I can see the road to that ending in obesity and loneliness. Which seems counterproductive don't you think?

So what's my alternative?

...

I got nothin.

I have to question my heart, and why it seems so hellbent on punishing itself. If it could just care a little less, just love a little less, just harden up a little bit, maybe I'd be happier, or at least hurt a little less. But I don't want to not care, feel no love nor become callous. I just want to be cared about. Words mean nothing if you don't show it.

Lets hear it for a big heaping pile of disillusionment.

I had a wonderful night with Mark, so I was CERTAIN that today would rock. I was so completely wrong. I don't even really want to reiterate, but I have had enough.

I have bent and twisted and shifted everything and anything to try to be as accommodating as I can possibly be with my wedding, my work/school schedule, and now this trip my sister and I were planning. I was going to come and pick her up, and she would stay with me for a month, then I'd take her to VA to spend the last of her summer there.

Well for the past 2 or 3 weeks I've been bending over backwards trying to get all the information I can to make it accommodating, inexpensive, etc. No help there. I'm used to that, but then today I finally get the pickup date squared away and my mother says Alex was thinking she was only going to be here for two weeks. Basically, she said Alex doesn't want to stay with me "that long" because I have a dog, and because if me and Mark argue, she doesn't want to be in the middle of it.

What the fuck?

Couples argue, that's fucking normal, and healthy- as relationships can't flourish on complacency. No one pulls her in the middle, but excuse the everliving fuck out of me for wanting my sister to listen when I needed a shoulder. My bad, I won't EVER make that mistake again. Apparently if someone doesn't say what I want to hear I get pissed off and start "Acting funny" what the hell is that even about?

And honestly, I would almost give up the dog if it meant I coudl see my sister, but if she would need to ask me to do that, then somethign is seriously wrong. She's nto allergic, she's nto afraid- just doesn't like them. Rei wouldn't be anywhere near her, I'd go out of my way to see to that. I arranged for my coworker to watch the damn dog so she at least wouldn't have to ride inteh car with her. I've got mental lists of the food she likes, the drinks, where we would take her to go, and all this shit- and then mom tells me this bullhockey.

I can honestly say I've never felt the bottom drop out of my heart like it did then. All that was a load of shit- she just doesn't want to be here. And if those real are the reasons, then this sisterly love is so onesided it's sad. I adore my sister, I'd give her the world on a friggin plate if I was big enough, but this just goes to show you where to draw the line. I've had it with trying so hard for nothing.

You who call yourselves friends but can't make the effort to be one, fuck you I don't need you.

I swear I wish I was in the state of mind and financial stability to have a baby. I would hope I'd be blessed enough to have a child that loves me for me, and never needs me to pretend.

Mark is the only person who's ever accepted me COMPLETELY. Heart, mind, pros and cons. I hope I don't ask too much of him, but he never makes me think I do. I really can't fathom where'd I'd be if I didn't feel that kind of love.

I drove home almost blindly from work because I couldn't see past my tears. When he came home, he came straight to me. When he left from lunch, he called me and sang to me to make me feel better. HE does all this completely of his own accord. How could you not want to be around someone like that?

I honestly thinks its me, and I just love too much. I'm done holding out the olive branch, and trying to build the bridges faster and longer every fucking time someone steps away from me. You don't need me, its cool. At least Mark does.

One fucking person on the face of the planet needs me.

But honestly, I wish that could be enough.

Mmmm.

Alright. The past week has been quite the roller coaster. Mark and I were having some issues, but we managed to work through them. I was beginning to get concerned about our future, and then when I was down- and I mean really down, he comforted me. And I don't mean with pretty words or promises. He just....made it alright. I stopped doubting then and there, because regardless of whatever faults I find, he knows me better than anyone and will always take care of me. He loves me, what more could I ask of him.

...

Do the dishes please and thank you.


Haha. Moving on, I've also been riding between annoyed, furious, hurt by, indifferent, and every feeling in between when it came to my family and friends. It was really starting to wear on me. One thing I know about myself is regardless of who comes and goes in my life, I always have time for a friend or loved one. If someone needs me, I WILL be there- no questions or stipulations. Now, seeing as I'm kind of an emotional person, that may be often. But I always thought with friends and family, the real ones, it didn';t matter- because they care. Well lately I've been getting pushed aside, ignored, left on hold, hung up on, and when I asked for a shoulder, denied because of a guy. I can't even begin to mention how much that hurts me. It really is a sucky feeling to know that were the situation reversed, it wouldn't even be a thing. Maybe that's my problem, and I leave myself to open to the hurt, but that's what I do. Call me bleeding heart. Still, I love them, so I'll forgive until they've bled my dry.

There's a shadow in my heart though. Its a nag that's starting to become a fear that history is going to repeat itself. I've noticed certain...hmm..."disappearances" happen whenever a certain thing becomes involved in-

What the bells?

Forget the cryptics. I hate to be offensive but its feeling like whenever guys come into the picture, I'm automatically the most expendable. Whether its on a phone call or an IM convo, I always get the boot. Its like a scab that gets picked at and picked at until it bleeds. I hit the bleeding point the other day, and when I tried to talk about it, I got ignored (or forgotten about, which is worse in my opinion) and then haven't heard a word from that person. It really breaks my heart, because a lot of serious shit is going on right now. Not oh woe is me I want the house clean or oh I feel fat or that stuff. But real things- things that are making me ill.

If you know me, you'll know I have an excellent memory, and I'm so exhausted I'm starting to forget things like bill due dates, anniversaries, etc. And I remember at the last minute, but this is bad because its only because I'm working myself sick. I wake up with a stomach ache almost every morning, because I've worn myself to the breaking point. If it weren't for Mark I daresay I'd fall right on my face. He steadies me, even if its just a kiss on the forehead. But these things going on, they're the type of things you hope and pray never happen, or never happen again.

A young boy lost his life trying to protect it.

I could really use a friend, but I don't know where they went.

Good news though, cause I hate to sound so dreary..Mark got MECP Certified. MECP stands for Mobile Electronics Certified Professional. that basically means he is now certified to do car installations (audio video and security), and that's fantastic because now hopefully he'll get the supervisor position. I wanted to call everyone and celebrate but I didn't know who to call that would answer. It sucked.

Back to happy, I had Long John Silvers for dinner. Num. Got some wedding stuff figured out. Ask me if you're interested.

Good night.

....


Nah.

Time to call it quits.

I can't help but find myself feeling a bit down.

I feel like I don't ask for much, or maybe in not asking enough- I come to expect too much. I don't know. But what I do know is that as much as I love him, I kinda wish he would change.

Now some of you may say that means I don't really love him. I say to hell with you, what do you know. But seriously, there's nothing I hate more than dreading walking into my own house. Its STILL a mess in here from the move. Our schedules are so uncompromising that neither of us really ever have days where the two of us can do anything together, and when we do, the last thing we want to do is clean up. You understand, right? Well regardless of that, the one thing I do try to keep maintained is the kitchen- I mean we have to eat the stuff that's in there so why wouldn't we keep it clean?

But here's the problem, and the general point of this whole tangent. I'll empty and fill the dishwasher, gather all the trash, soak all the pots and pans that will fit in the sink and then do it all over again. In the meantime, Mark isn't helping me do a thing. Even when I mention it to him to do, we'll get wrapped up in something and he can't take it upon himself to remember to take care of the task. I really try not to pester but I expect him to assist. Stop stepping over the same napkin, just pick it up and throw it away! I can't express how much this breaks me to keep having to tell him. I've tried to talk to him about this problem since we started living together in March 2007. That's a shame isn't it? What winds up being the icing on the cake is when I come home and have to cook, or when I'm home and he calls me on his way home from work and asks me if I have food ready for him. It doesn't bother him if I say no, but it bothers me that he doesn't EVER, EVER, EVER have anything waiting for me. I can't recall a single time that he has and that makes me want to cry. It's so silly and such a simple little thing really.

And again, maybe I'm asking too much. But I don't think so.

Keep in mind this is not a Mark bash- this is just a way for me to say how I feel without being interrupted or made to feel stupid. Mark really is a doll and he takes excellent care of me. I just want this one thing to change. It used to be such a little issue, but its become a problem.

Please don't give me advice, please don't make fun- I just needed to get it out.

._.


That expression suits me right now. I feel apprehensive and worried, but not horribly so and that worries me more. Like maybe I should be. Ugh, how annoying right?

I want to see the movie Coraline, and I feel like I want to go to walmart and just buy something cool.

But what? I mean for heavens sake I've got plenty of entertainment here, yeah? Maybe I'm just bored and restless. I'm reading like there's no tomorrow though, and I want to write a book. Or at least a fanfic/short story.

I want something yummy too. Something sweet that I can eat a lot of and not get annoyed. Like, I don't want to touch another sour patch for a while. I want M&M cookies too. I love those, and Mark and I went to the mall and I caught a glimpse of a Great American Cookie place, but alas- they were abandoned, like it had gone out of business at that mall. I died a little inside. I want to go to the mall tomorrow but I might not be able to. Feh.

What now?

Where do I begin?

Well folks, get ready because this is going to be a rambler; I'll just type it as it comes. So looking back on the week I can really only remember the big important parts so I'll relay those, but in the meantime- here's a story:

I have these customers who are really cool by the names of Celeste and Sevren Williams. They crack me up every time they're in my store. Well the day they initially activated service, I wasn't there. They had come a day early so my coworker Anika did the activation on my behalf. Well apparently, Anika walked over to Celeste to ask if she needed any help and Celeste looks at her and just says.

"I farted."

I couldn't even tell you the rest rest because I laugh every time I think about it. No, really I do. I'm laughing as we speak, or I type rather. Man this is too much. They act like it was the most offensive thing that could have happened to them and I just think it is too epic. God it makes my chest hurt. I peed a little when they told me.

In conjunction with that story, the night I met them Celeste suggested I sign up for David's Bridal being that I'm getting married and all. So I thought why not, and at the most it'd be a bunch of emails in my ever-growing inbox. Well when I signed up I got automatically entered in a chance to win a Bridal Package thing, and just shrugged it off. Well yesterday I get a call while I'm marking down accessories and it was a girl named Tioffant Tiffany (yes I left the typo because that is TOO much) from David's Bridal. Long story short I was one out of 10 winners. They only choose ten out of the 200 that entered. There's no timeshares, but I do think they show you some bridal stuff liek pots and pans or whatever but I don't have to buy anything to get my prizes. I bet you're wondering what they are. Well:

Two free tickets to a David's Bridal Show
Half off any purchase in their line and....

...

A Three Day, 2 Night Resort Vacation.

No I am not joking. I seriously won that! The only thing I have to do is get myself to where I want to go, but the stay is completely on them. Crazy right? I can't tell you how stoked I was. I floated on that all day! I called Celeste to ask her if it was bogus and she said no. She'd been to four different shows and won 4 vacations they haven't even used yet just cause they haven't had time. Only at one seminar did they buy anything and it was a set of cookware. I'm going to keep my mind and eyes sharp but still! It's so cool to know I won. There will only be 4 other couples.

On the flip side of that, I helped Celeste's mother find an apartment. She needed to find a 3 bedroom apartment for a good price because hers had rats. I referred her to our old apartment complex and she leased! She'll be moving in in February, and guess what I get: $400 referral fee! They'll mail it to me when she moves in! Things are looking bright.

Oh yes, and as you all know my 21st birthday is RIGHT around the corner. The plans is I'm going to Memphis the day before my birthday (and staying with Doni), then on the day of my birthday I'm going to Gould's Day Spa to get the Gould's Ultimate Spa Day Package. I tremble with anticipation. That evening we'll have my birthday dinner at, you guessed it, Osaka (Japanese Restaurant..its like tradition to eat there every time I come up) then Mark, Doni, Koki, and myself are going to go to Gold Strike Casino and gamble. I've got an overnight room booked that we're going to split and hopefully we'll win some free food. Wish us luck. Sunday until Monday evening we'll be just relaxing, and then it back here in time to return the rental car. This is going to be a truly fantastic birthday. At least I sincerely hope so.

At the moment I can't think of much else to say except I really want to get my hair done and my Advanced Composition homework is a conundrum. Her online shit doesn't make a lick of sense. Ah well. I'm sure I'll figure it out.

Night!

The move is finally over.

It took all of the 15th, and I mean ALL of it. I think we finally left the old place at 3am. The move itself well, sucked really. It was colder than penguin snot and the wind didn't help at all. Thankfully, my friend James did come through and help us out- but it still was a pain. At this point, I don't even feel liek recapping the whole thing- but I'll sum it up to much bitching, moaning, and gnashing of teeth.

Now the actual apartment is simply a joy. There are a few thing sI had to make quick mention of to the leasing office but overall I'm STOKED. I really want this and if you love me you'll buy it for me wish me luck in getting it.

I'm starting to have second thoughts about heading to Cordova for my birthday but I think I'll still be going regardless. I just may need a place to stay.... >>;

Anyway, I finally got the internet and the wireless stuff back up and running, so when I finish up here, I'll be hooking up Arthas (the computer I built. His name was originally Roarke but Arthas suits him better. He's silver and black and blue....don't judge me) and hopping on WoW unless I pass out.

Oh yeah, I just finished filing my taxes. Mucho hearts to that. I'll be getting quite a bit back though not as much as last year, which is to be expected as my commission wasn;t as stellar but my hourly almost balanced it completely out. Huzzah.

And Mark got a raise kinda. Now, he'll be gauranteed a certain amount of commission every week on top of his hourly check. That will GREATLY improve our budget, as the amount will be close to $400 in commission alone. Yeayea~!

And now, I'm off.

P.S The House Bunny was awesome. Go see it.

We have the keys! Woohoo!!!


I got them yesterday evening, after getting my hair done (which by the way, looks fabulous). Mark got to see the unit for the first time and he loves it. And ironically I've had no choice but to let him wall mount the Flat Screen (42" for those of you who are curious). I was really against it at first but there'd be no other logical way to do it with the setup of the living room.

Now, sitting here at my computer desk, I'm hungry and my little heart just broke cause Mark had to go to work. I wanted to snatch him back inside and then just cuddle for the next 8 hours, but alas- we need to work for a living. Haha, no but seriously. I wish we could get more work done together. Really we've done a lot, even though it may nto look like it. We're at the stages where we pretty much just need to start carrying things over. I guess it doesn't help that like, 75% of our stuff is large (futon, TV, bed, dressers, dinette, etc.....and then of course there's the consoles...that's about it). I'm sure glad there will be people to help us, and then I'll have my Mom to help us arrange everything. That should be fun, especially with her feng shui skills.

We're 48 hours to D-Day, and really, just call this blog a filler. But I mean wtf, its my blog right? If I want to blather on about not a lot I have the right! Snarl.

I kinda want Rockband....

Recapping the week.

Sunday brought my best friend back to me. His name is Shaun, and I KNOW I've mentioned him before. He used to live above us back when we lived with Whitney (old roommate), and then moved away when DeVry thought it would be wise to evict him from housing without notice. He moved back to Carrollton, GA, which makes me and Mark very sad. The time we see him are few and far between, but he came on Sunday with his girlfriend Envy, whom we also adore. Me, Shaun and Mark played Rockband 2 until 4am. I was on Mic, Shaun on Drums and Mark on Guitar. That was SUCH a blast. The next day we FINALLY left for the mall at damn near 6pm, and I got new sneaks and a new shirt, spilled barbecue sauce and 1/5 of my frozen coke, and overall just had a damn good time. Monday ended with a spaghetti bake of epic proportions which was gone in like, less than 10 minutes. I am the true Cooking Mama. Ask them. They left on Tuesday, but not before scooping up a bag of Rei's dog food for me, thus saving me time and gas that I don't necessarily have. When Mark and I laid down for bed that night, the last thing I remember thinking was, "Thank you Shaun, for being the friend I've always wished for".

No offense intended toward anyone. Cough.

Now then. I can't say I remember much of the week, but I know that on Thursday, we signed the lease to our new Apartment. Now we don't get the keys until Monday, and our official "lets move this shit and get out" day is the 15th, but I can't wait to have those keys. Let me give you a bit of background as far as the apartment goes:

First of all, its called Camden Deerfield, and one of MANY Camden properties. Skipping a lot fo extra info, the initial apartment was going to cost us $769 a month, including a $45 charge for cable TV. The floor plan for said apartment is 1-1A. Here's a pic:



Nice yes? I agree. Now, keep in mind our current charge for rent alone is $640. Later on, I happened upon one of the larger floorplans, the 1-1B. Now for the pic:



Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE the larger one, especially the bathtub, but it was $741 after cable charges. I looked over our budget and it was doable, but only barely within our means. Thsi takes us to Tuesday, when I called Genesis, the leasing agent. By the way, all the women in the leasign office are phenomenal. That said, I'd been looking, I admit, almost obsessively at the rates ove the past couple of weeks. For some reason, teh 1-1A's we gettign considerably cheaper. On that Tuesday, I found one for $632, which would have amounted to $677 after cable charges. Thats only $37 more dollars than what we pay now. In closing, we now have the smaller one bedroom, which is STILL 132 more square footage than where we currently reside, and in a much nicer area of town, not to mention closer to more things (walmart, costco, restaurants, etc.) Let me add that it does indeed have a fireplace, and the garden tub (<3), AND a stainless steel microwave that was installed there by accident) Heh. We have to buy a Washer and Dryer but thats cool with me, cause Grandma is giving me money to get it. Our first big appliance purchase. More <3's.

Now the rest of the week (except for Thursday) went pretty poorly, consisting of conflict betwee me and my Associate Manger, and overall "I want to go home as soon as I walk in the door" type of attitude. I hope things got under control but I'm still a little doubtful.

Oh yeah, today I had my frist day of my second Web Graphic Design class: Advanced Design and Rapid Vizualization. Hurrah! It went pretty well, and I'm excited to say I except no less than an A from myself.

I've still got a lot to do where movign is concerned, so I sould probably head off to go get stuff done.

Right after my nap...


P.S HAPPY BIRTHDAY KOKI!!!!!!!!!!

/late.

Happy New Year.

4 am again, and I'm still awake. Mark is tossing and turning to some dream and my dog is licking herself rather rudely. My own little family.


I truly wish I could just sleep easy, but I'm worried. Worried about the move, school, work, money. Isn't it always something? Hmm...but I'm glad I needn't worry about us. Though I hate to sound selfish, I wish he'd bring me flowers....It's been so long, and they mean quite a bit to me.

That said, the year ended....well, complacently. Even with the worries, I have a slight roller coaster of joy and fear happening inside me, and as superstitious as it may seem, I'm hoping that at the end of the day, I'll have some insight as to how to map the coming year.

First of all, I want to tone up. I've gained weight since I moved out, and while some has been flattering, some has not (in my humble opinion anyway). I want to lose at LEAST ten pounds and tone up the middle. Yessir. I want to...

I WANT TO MOVE. There's only 14 days til the move, Mom told me her time off was approved and I'm so thrilled. Now its just counting down the days and packing this place up. Which brings us to the next problem. How the kcuf am I supposed to pack a whole apartment T-T

Never done it before, so I'm trying to start early, since we'll only have one day to move. Scary, but one way or another it will get done. I have faith in that. For a moment before I sat down to type, I looked over at Mark and watched him sleep for a few moments. His eyes opened, and he just said "Hi" and I fell in love all over again. I realize I'm jumping around but I rather pitifully have no one to talk to (albeit at 4 in the morning) so what am I to do, eh?

Oh yes.

A truly dear friend of me and Mark's is potentially coming to visit us. His name is Shaun. I might have mentioned him in other posts, but he's a truly awesome friend. No offense to the few of you who read this (Jill, Susan <3) but not many of my friends call just to keep in touch or say "I miss you", so his calls are a constant day brightener. He called us to say happy new years, and tell us he's finally making the drive to come see us. We'll play Rock Band, Eat at Joe's for old time sake, and refuse to laugh at Mark's attempt at humor. Oh I hope he can come...that will give me a HUGE boost.

And may I state for the record- I WANT MY W2!!!!!!! If I have to wait much longer to file my taxes I'm going to go just ape ca ca. I love the idea of being repaid for hard work, especially since I made close to 5k more than last year. That's good right? So here's hoping for the big one, which should fund my trip to Memphis.

Is it sad that I have to throw my own 21st birthday party, and know the only ones who'll be there are my lover and my mom?

I must be a pain in the ass or something.

Oh god watch this, its SO funny: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=il85E-ms-44&feature=channel_page

Enjoy, and Good Night.

4 am.

When you can't sleep, its amazing how much you can manage to think about. Ha, I typed that whole sentence, in the dark, without looking at the keyboard once. But back to business.

I get mixed feelings about blogging nowadays, especially since my handful of friends don't really have the time to worry much less care whats going on. Probably nothing they haven't already heard.

But that's fine. I'm writing now, when I should be sleeping, because I had a good day and now I can't sleep. It started off pretty bland, nothing really major happening. And I awoke to Mark's phone call, which is always a plus. I love waking up to him, even now and can't imagine life without him. If I recall correctly, he told me exactly how much commission he'd made last week, which is excellent because it means our budget is safe and no late bills. Huzzah. Once we'd finished talking, I played World of Warcraft for a few hours with the TV going in the background. And may I just say, I love Canada. Their cartoons are the shit. Seriously.

Around 5-ish, once Mark had gotten home, he and I scooped up our friend and saved him from 1. waiting until after dark for a ride and 2. from walking a stupidly long distance to and from where he needed to be. Dun da dun: Heroes. From there we went to Fry's and got our refund from the graphics card that my motherboard didn't like very much, and picked up some headphones for Mark's ipod and The Slayers on DVD. Then we went to Wal-mart and shopped, the purchase including but not limited to new sleep-pants (which were a lovely Christmas present that had to be exchanged for the next size), and a hickory farms bundle consisting of everyone's favorite summer sausage and of course, ham and cheese...Look it up.

I had a blimpie sub that was truly spectacular and got me thinking that subs would be the perfect lunch for me. Which lead us to Super Target for excellent cuts of meat, and various other things. Once we headed home and stopped for the mail I said "Now if only there's a late Christmas card, this would truly be a good day."

Lo and Behold, one from his aunt that had a check AND cash, and also a check from T-mobile for the $20 that fell into limbo due to an error in the routing number. Thanks T-mo, this is why I stick around. So the day ended with cash, snacks,Mark hitting level 77 and two very lovely stories in a Nora Roberts gift.

Now I'm here at my custom built computer (not cyberpower, nor ibuypower....this one is all my doing) typing a very long pointless blog. I like being able to go back and see the good times somewhere other than in my head.

I can't wait for the new year...I'd like to blog more, but I'll hold off a bit for now. That will give me something to do later.

But I've got to clean today....

Wow.


Just wow....


You know, I put up with a lot of shit in my lifetime and this is one thing that I've tried to more or less take a positive stand on but I'm afraid I'm up to my ears in it and ready to wash my hands. I'm black, and have no problem with that whatsoever. I also have a white fiancee who I plan on spending the rest of my life with. I'm well aware that people will often stare or that people don't' approve but fuck 'em, they don't pay our rent or put food in my mouth nor Mark's so why the hell should I pay them any attention? So I usually just ignore shit like that. Well there are times when its crossing the fucking line. I'm pretty tolerant about people and their stands on different things like religion or politics, I just choose not to be involved because I don't feel I should have to argue or back up what I believe in. Thats the whole point in believing in something- because you fucking DO. So for once, I'm REALLY mad about this shit and I need to put it out or else I'm going to saw my own head off from the headache it's causing.

I've come to find that often people you think are your friends have sides and pockets to them and their personalities that you find at different intervals of your relationships. Some of those pockets are cool and interesting, and some of them make you cringe. And then theres one or two things that make you go what the fuck was I thinking befriending this sonofabitch? I had a little run in with that tonight.

Tonight while Mark was on his computer playing WoW, he had vent on. Everything was fine until I hear, loud and clear, "He divorced his wife because she was a niggerlover!" and then a roar of laughter.

What. The. Fuck?

Well apparently that was from Dave Chapelle but still, that doesn't make it okay. Mark kinda grins at me then goes "It's from chapelle" and I told him to ask them to stop, and remind them of why. While he's typing it, I hear "So what did Abraham Lincoln say after a 3-day drinking binge?" and then Mark turned the sound off.

That leads me to believe that both Mark and I know what the ending of that was going to involve. Soemthign about letting black people go and how that was a bad idea or whatever. Now I'm pissed. They didn't listen to him, and I could tell because he kept the sound low so I couldn't hear but he could. At this point, I've decided I want nothing to do with that and quit the guild. I didn't need them to begin with, as I do my leveling alone, and I had nothing to lose from it but an imaginary friendship. Finally Mark turns logs off his toon and when I ask why he says because he's sick of hearing it now.

They were STILL at it. So that when I get up and remove my toons from the guilds. It's not even so much the joke that pissed me off, as it was the blatant disregard for what we asked and why. Add to that the other huge factor:

People make those jokes when they think that no one can hear them that will care. It's racey and taboo, and thats what makes these dumbass jokes funnier to people. THAT is what truly bothers me. At this point, I've drained myself, and don't really know what the point of going into an anti-racism tirade would be. I think more than anything, the shock of hearing it from friends is what hurts the most, and the fact they they would so easily ignore our feelings.


You know....Mark's eight year old sister, when we announced we were getting married said something I'll never forget...

"But your kids!....They'll be mixed!" She said it with such horror in her voice, that I think it may have left a permanent scar. She's young but she's not stupid. No one else in hsi family has seen me as anything other than Johanna, Mark's fiancee. Not "his black girlfriend". And that....hearing her say that...... made something inside of me snap and die away. Why should that be a problem? Why should that make her eyes bug and her breath catch it fear.

Why is it such a bad thing to be anything other than white?

It makes me want to cry.

I haven't updated in a reeeeally long time.

Probably because I have the ditinct impression it isn't the least bit necessary anymore. Whatever, life goes on I guess. It always does.


I won't bother to try to recap, because there's no one reading, and its not worth the effort. I'm alive and I exist still. I'm still working, still trying to keep things going in school, and still trying to make something of my life. I hope I'm succeeding.

But even with Mark, it's awfully lonely sometimes.


I will say, I had a good friend leave, and I really miss them. When they left, contact with me completely stopped and every now and again I call hoping I'll get an answer, but it never happens. This friend knew what I was going to say pretty much as I was saying it. Haha...It really sucks that they're gone. I just hope they're okay, and that maybe they talk about me too. That'd be nice.

It's almost summer time.


I'm tired. So very tired....

Been a while since I last posted, but thats mainly because I couldn't remember far enough back to post. Is that not sad? It's been one of those periods in time where you get up, work, stuff happens, you go home, more stuff happens, and then you go to sleep. Repeat.

That's been life pretty much, mainly because one of my coworkers went out of the country for a little over a week, so I picked up more hours. No big deal, except I'm really tired.

But on a more in depth note, I have been having a kinda rough time. It may be all in my head, but things are making me really stressed out. I don't do well with uncertainty, which is why if the future's stability is uncertain, I tend to freak out. Not like a spasm, or screaming crying and destroying things, but more along the lines for worrying myself sick.

Mark's job used to have something called draw, which garaunteed him $11 an hour if the amount he made in commission didn't surpass his hourly. That was a nice thing, because the checks were enough to still be able to maintain our lifestyle. Then they did away with it. That's when I started to panic.

I make a pretty decent amount of money, and if I was entirely on my own, I'd probably be able to sustain life by myself. However, I'm not alone, and to be able to afford the life we've laid out, $5.85 + commission just won't cut it, especially when its uncertain how much he'll make in a week. I could probably afford to pay the rent, but not gas, bills, groceries, insurance, and all that on top of it. Audio is in high demand, but that doesn't always mean he'll have a grand slam week. To make a long story short, things became worrisome because in the event that we don't meet our monthly goal that covers all of our bills and rent, we may be screwed. I still have my tax refund which I'm holding on to just in case, but it's cause me to have a few small anxiety attacks.

Somehow though, Mark always pulls through. He's amazingly good at what he does, and the past two weeks have gotten him really big commission. This past week, he made $499 in commission alone! Add hourly to that and we've got a nice little check. We hit our goal, with another week to spare, so that should give us a boost into next month. So I'm trying to convince myself not to be as worried as I am about it. Still, I can't allow myself to get reliant on the possibility that this will become a regular thing.

Having said that, there's one other huge problem for me: I'm in a severe state of heartache. I really REALLY miss my family. I want to see my mom so badly, and I really REALLY want to see my dad. I saw him for a few hours on my 18th birthday, and prior to that, not since before my 17th. Every time they've made plans to come and visit, they fall through. It gets me really discouraged.

Another thing thats hurting me, is my friendships with some people. I don't have a whole hell of a lot of friends, but it seems like the handful that I have carry me in the back of their minds. I'm the last one they think of to call when they're sad, or they don't' call at all and just talk about how miserable and lonely they are. And I sit here reading and finding everything out after the fact, and feeling like "why do I even bother". I feel that way with a lot of them. And then there's the whole life aspect of things. Life gets in my way too, so I understand when some of my friends don't have time to call, but I can't help but worry that one day I'll disappear from their thoughts completely. I really hope not.

I wish that I was one of those friends that you just have to talk to, to make sure everything is good, or just to say hello and shoot the shit, y'know? I wish I was to them, what they are to me.

Ah well.

In other news, my dog has finished her second heat, so its time to begin searching for a stud/mate for her. That should be interesting. My mom says she's planning on coming down this weekend, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Wish me luck okay?

Okay well, its been a little while so you're in for a lengthy explanation. Deep breath now, here we go.


For starters, I had a friggin AWESOME birthday. It started off odd because I was running late (by like, 3 minutes) to my spa appointment. That worried me because we almost couldn't find it and I didn't have the number. Thank heavens for my Blackberry Curve. Turns out we were right in front of it. That was one of the best experiences I've ever had. it started with a manicure and pedicure that was awesome. They didn't actually put the polish on till last though. After the manicure and pedicure, I went into this room for my massage. I didn't know it was going to be full body but is was, with a hot stone treatment. I cant even explain how awesome that was. It almost made me wish I was exhausted so I could have slept and just enjoyed it without thinking. Though in retrospect, I can't really recall thinking about much. After that was over, the masseuse led me to the room where I'd get my facial. I though it would be just a mask you put on, leave on, then take off but it was a lot more than that. There was this machine that did something to my face along the lines, I think, or micro-dermabrasion. It was odd, but at the end of the facial, my face was pretty and clean and glowing. I loved every minute of it. It only cost me $156 for the whole thing which took about 4 hours. I plan on doing it again as soon as life allows me to :)

Afterwards I took the plunge. I cut off my hair.

By now most have seen the pictures from my myspace, but its really cute. I wanted the Victoria Beckham look. It needs touched up a bit because my hair has grown and needs to be relaxed but I really love it. I feel cute and sassy every time I see my reflection. Or maybe I'm just being vain. I hope not. Afterwards our buddy Mike came over, and then we all met up with more friends, Kemberly and her boyfriend Darrell, at Sushi Haru, my favorite restaurant. That went beautifully, and they gave me two free lobster tails for dinner. One for myself, and one to split amongst the five of us. The hostess, Kathy, bought me a gift too, specifically from her. It was a lovely bath basket that had a bunch of different bath products with lavender scent. I felt so special and happy. The best part was the sushi chef, Kai, name me this intricate sashimi plate for my birthday- just for me. Kathy told me that I was very special because they normally only give out a slice of cheesecake, which I know to be true. The only bad thing is, I don't, or can't, eat Sashimi. I did try it though, because I couldn't let all the hard work go to waste. But...that didn't go so well, and almost ended in me throwing it up. I felt horrible about that but I did at least try to eat it. All in all, I had a great night. That was the best birthday I've had since I was 15.


The weekend went well too, I finished off the month hitting quota, which is great because that means I'll have a pretty decent commission check at the end of it all. Which will go to bills of course but money is money.

I had Sunday off- wait no I didn't...I worked 11:30 to 3:30 and that pretty much felt like not even being there. But when I went home, Mark and I had a nice nap, and then woke up to watch a full Marathon of Martian Successor Nadesico. We completed the series, but Mark is unhappy about the cliffhanger. Haha, poor baby. I bought a George Foreman grill that night too, to make the porkchops I'd bought. They were fantastic, and I love that machine. Tonight is steak night, woohoo!

On Monday, both Mark and I were off, and that was awesome. It was like a Mini Vacation. I did have class though. We went and paid some bills, then visited my Aunt Myra. Oh, there was a quick stop to th email for manga, because I've recently gotten addicted to a series called Airgear. That series is amazing. I love it. It makes me want to draw too, and thats a good thing. I love when I have my muse. I had class though, so we had to cut our time short but-
Oh.
My.
Gosh.

Class was awesome. It was my business class, but I have a great teacher and a good group of peers. I had brought a manga just in case it was boring, which isn't really all that responsible (but I'm just being honest), but I didn't pull it out even once. I fully enjoyed that class. When I got home, Mark and I finally had dinner, watched some Kenshin and then went to bed.

So its safe to say that February ended just right for me. I'm happy anyway, and March is off to a good start. I haven't talked to Donielle in a while though, at least not for any length of time, as she did call me on my birthday. I hope everything is alright. I'm sure she's fine.

Ciao!

I hate February.

This the most awful month in the whole year. Nothing ever goes right during February- not Valentines Day, not your birthday, or anything else.


I'm not going to waste your time by turning this into a full scale rant.


Fuck February.

Oh.

My.

Gonads.

Well...not my gonads as in personal balls, but you get what I meant....it was just an expression.

I'm effing tired. Have you ever been so tired that your throat hurts? Or it could be because I took entirely too big a bite of my breakfast sammich. Either way, I need a nap, and plan on taking one when my break rolls around.

It's raining out again, and making me even more tired, plus this morning kinda sucked. Well not kinda- it DID suck, hairy donkey ass as Doni would say. But theres always time for it to change. I tell you what, a nap would make it 180 in all the right ways. I'm sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy!!!!!!!

Last night though, I received a box from my brother. Inside the box were these things:

A Japanese Wedding Kimono (18 years old) from when he lived in japan.

Black soap, from Spain (23 years old)

Silk Scarf from France (15 years old)

Mother of pearl inlay chopsticks (18 years old) from Japan

4 Hand Blown Wine goblets custom made in Japan (17 years old)

Glass Perfume Oil bottle from Saudi Arabia (9 years old)

and a Fabric and Jewel covered treasure box, (1 year old)


Each item is symbolic, but I won't post the meanings here out of respect for family privacy. They're beautiful gifts though. I'll post pictures when my camera gets fixed.


I have a large cup of sweet tea and- HOLY CRAP! I feel better O.o Since I am, I'll mention that I am working on an absolutely GORGEOUS piece of art. It is a picture of an Original Character I made for Rurouni Kenshin years ago. Her name was Rou, and she was my second most favorite OC next to Kaji. Then there's Parnaz but thats another blog. Anyway, I've changed her weapon, as well as her appearance slightly, seeing as I have NO references available to work off of. But thats alright. I am really loving how this piece is turning out.


Thats all for now. I shall expand on this later as the day moves on.

Ja matta.

My how times flies.

Alright well, last I heard Doni seems to be better off, I can't wait to hear how so. It will really out me a bit more at ease.

Turns out I have another friend who needs a getaway, and what better way to get away than to come and visit me? What? Hawaii you say? Bah.


Mmmkay so, I can't remember if anything significant happened Monday, save for coming to work and going home. Tuesday I went with my aunt to Ikea and that was pretty freaking awesome. I managed to get a new mattress that only cost $130 and is really nice. Look it up: Sultan Heberg. Yeeeaaah man. So as I was headed to pick it up, I noticed a nice Storage unit to put in the bedroom. You can never have too much storage space but you CAN have too many boxes of crap. This is true. So I bought the storage unit and the mattress, then my aunt, her baby girl Dallas (whom has been dubbed my nice because I'm kinda 19 years older than her), and myself went to eat at my favorite restaurant. Sushi Haru. Ask me about it and I'll tell you. It's the shit.

Well that outing was funny because Dallas was afraid of the cook, Jimbo, who is very familiar with Mark and I, as well as the rest of the Staff there seeing as we eat there so much. Anyway, she actually crawled into my lap to hide from him, and it was so cute and funny. She loved Kathy, the hostess, though and giggled nonstop while Kathy played with her.

When Mark and I were finally home, we put together the storage unit and then started to clean up, as I have family coming to visit for my birthday (I hope). We completely cleaned the kitchen as well as washed the sheets and such to commemorate the new mattress. Then we watched Silent Hill. That movie is still awesome sauce to me. When it was over, the trouble started.

Mark and I got into a really nasty fight. I'm not going to put our business up on the internet, but it was bad, and very painful for both him and myself. So much so, that its still hindering us. But we'll get past it eventually. We always do.

The next morning Mark had to call in sick from work, and that was a shame, but it was nice to have him home. Once we had slept away all the drama and he was feeling better, we got up and watched a movie. Rush Hour 3. I'm still deciding how I feel about that one. Afterwards the rest of the cleaning ensued and MAN is there a huge difference. I wish I had taken pictures but- oh by the way, my camera broke. It's on and working fine, save for the fact that the screen isn't showing anything when I go to take a picture. It's just black. I'm pissed off about that, because that was my Valentine's Day gift from Mark, its also what triggered the argument, long story. Anyway, we got rid of all but 3 boxes that were taking up all the space in the back of the living room, which is now the dining room. Auntie Myra gave us her dinette set, which is great, so now our apartment has all of its major furniture and only needs decorations now. Maybe I'll post some pictures later.

Okay well, I just talked to my father. I had a firebird last year that eh gave me in June. My first car, and it didn't last through October. It broke down, and Mark and I spent a lot of money, and my father, to try to fix it. Someone told him that its possibly the head gasket, which I'm reluctant to believe, as 98% of the people I've talked to have said its a cracked engine block. I don't have anyone who can come out and look at the car, so short of having it towed to a mechanic only to have it towed back is not in our financial budget. And Furthermore, and this is the really irritating part, he said that he was going to swap out his 86 mustang, and has said over and over that he was bringing it up here, and was waiting on a guy to use his dolly to bring it. But guess what, two months later, I've heard the same damn thing. I swear no one ever does what they say they're going to do, whether its "happy birthday we're putting money in your account" or "we no you need a vehicle so we'll bring you this one", no one ever follows through with their shit. I hate that so much, because it makes me have to put my life on hold, and right now two modes of transportation is pretty much imperative because our finances are about to become halved thanks for fucking Fry's electronics and they're shitting management. All I want to do is proceed with my life...

Anyway, that was a major disappointment and totally brought my mood down, but I'll finish the recap. actually I think that's it. I'm expecting a turnaround in the day because it seemed to be going so well, I want it to continue to. In the meantime, I will be here at work-

Work! That was the final thing. I've been given a key and opened all by myself today. Thats huge because that means I can do everything that full-timers do now, so there's nothing holding me back from ever becoming that now. I love this store so much more than North Point...

Anyway, keep me in your thoughts? I could use it.

Later.


P.S Damn that was a long blog....